Like 007? You'll LOVE Dragon-Oh-Seven!

Cover art by Lex Valentine

Get it this month from the publisher and 10 percent of the proceeds go to help the victims of Hurricane Sandy: 

The magic is Faerie.  The technology, Mundane.  When they meet, the survival of the world rests in one dragon's…er…claws.  See Vern as you've never seen him before!  

For a dragon detective with a magic-slinging nun as a partner, saving the worlds gets routine. So, when the US government hires Vern and Sister Grace to recover stolen secrets for creating a new Interdimensional Gap-- secrets the US would like to keep, thank you—Vern sees a chance to play Dragon-Oh-Seven.

No human spy, however, ever went up against a Norse goddess determined to use those secrets to rescue her husband. Sigyn will move heaven and earth to get Loki—and use the best and worst of our world against anyone who tries to stop her.

It's super-spy spoofing at its best with exotic locations (Idaho--exotic?), maniacal middle-managers, secret agent men, teen rock stars in trouble, man-eating animatronics, evil overlords and more! 

 Introducing CIA Agent Rakness, Stan Rakness

If you love adrenalin-rushing action...

If you love dangerous romance in exotic locations...

If you love nail biting suspense...

If you love laughing so hard you draw stares...

Then you'll love Live and Let Fly!

Still not convinced?  Read the excerpt:

Charlie started to close the door behind us, his other hand gripping the handle of his dagger so tightly I could hear the leather wrap on the handle strain, as we listened to the footsteps coming our way, slow, bored. My predator's instincts rose; then I had a great idea. I shook my head at Charlie and winked, and he shuffled out of my way, leaving the door ajar. I settled myself with my back to the door, just inside the shadows and let the script play itself out:

CLUELESS MINION enters Stage Left. He pauses, hearing a noise, but does not report it. Instead, he fondles the stars on his name tag and moves toward the empty hallway, his mind on adding another. (Probably saying, "I was proactive today!")

CLUELESS pauses at door, hesitating. He stands and, back to the door, reaches for his walkie-talkie.

Suddenly, a well-muscled and gorgeously scaled tail whips out from the crack in the door and wraps itself around his neck. He only has time to grab ineffectively at the tail before he's drawn into the darkness. The door shuts behind him.

Pan shot of the empty hallway.

FADE TO BLACK

I slammed my victim on the floor and pinned him with my forelegs, then I leaned my face in nice and slow, making sure he got a good look at my fangs before he saw my eyes. "Where's the girl?" I growled low and menacingly.

"Wh-What g-g-girl?"

Charlie crouched down by Stutterboy and glanced at his name tag. "Look, Philip, we're in a bit of a hurry. We know Rhoda Dakota's being held captive somewhere nearby. Now you can be a good survivor and tell us where…or you can be dinner."

"I-I don't—"                 

"Phil A. Minion." I mused and drooled a bit for effect. I live for these moments, I really do. I licked his cheek and asked Charlie, "Can I have fries with that?"

"Why not? This is Idaho."

Or hear an excerpt:

Enjoyed that?



You can buy Live and Let Fly at http://tinyurl.com/LiveAndLetFly or Amazon.

Dragons are not Inherently Evil

Once again, Karina has gotten into a discussion about dragons and how she should not write the adventures of one because they are creatures of evil.

This, of course, hearkens back to Revelations, to whit:
Then another sign appeared in heaven: an enormous red dragon with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on its heads.Revelation 12:3

 So, naturally, I'd like to draw your attention to Exhibit A:

Count the heads, please.  Thank you.

But say, you don't buy that.  After all a dragon is a dragon, no matter how many heads, right?  And if the bible says the dragon is  the symbol of evil, then all dragons are evil.

Well, let's talk serpents, shall we?  It wasn't a dragon that tempted Eve, but a serpent, right?  And when the Israelites complained against God, what invaded their camp?  Serpents.  But I see serpents all over this earth.  You keep them as pets--even good Christians do.  But some are "good snakes," you say?

So some snakes are good, but all dragons are bad?  Speciest, if you ask me.

Oh, but let's look a little further.  When the Israelites were being attacked by the serpents, what did Moses do?  Drive them out?  No--he took it to God:

and Yahweh replied, 'Make a fiery serpent and raise it as a standard. Anyone who is bitten and looks at it will survive.' Moses then made a serpent out of bronze and raised it as a standard, and anyone who was bitten by a serpent and looked at the bronze serpent survived. Numbers 21: 8-9

So, God used the serpent for His will. 

Hmmm.. that sounds familiar.

Dragon Dreams

Karina recently lent me a book by Larry Correia called Monster Hunter International: Legion.  Great book, very diverting, and made me glad I didn't have the problems these guys have had.  If you like lots of action with heavy-duty baddies and heavy artillery, go check it out.

I just want to talk about the dragon.  (SPOILER ALERT)

"Management" lives in a cave deep under a ritzy hotel where he is surrounded by gold jewels, fancy cars piled high--and I do mean piled; it's not like he was going to drive them--precious works of art, expensive wines...  You name it, he had it, or sold it off when he got bored.  He also had super high-tech stuff and owned major stock in companies.  (Loved the comments, "Yes, but they are using techonolgy that I own 40 percent of..." etc.  Knowledge wasn't even at his clawtips--he had bluetooth and voice commands for that.  Oh, this dragon was equipped.

I know what I want to be when I outlive the St. George's geas!

I so want to be Management, but even better for me, there's no such thing as PUFF (government bounty for monsters in Correia's books), so I can come and go as I please.

I'll be dreaming sweet dragon dreams tonight!

Check out Larry Correia's book: http://www.amazon.com/Monster-Hunter-Legion-Limited-Edition/dp/1451637977

Me and the Magic Mirror

Karina's writing up a case where I got some assist from the Magic Mirror, and she asked me to tell you a little about his backstory.

I think you probably are familiar with it from Snow White.  Stepmother 's magic mirror feeds her vanity until she gets into a jealous rage because Snowy's fairer than she.  She orders the huntsman to take the girl into the woods and kill her, but he sends her running, and she meets seven dwarves...yadda yadda.

The Faerie version is this:  Said huntsman takes her to the dwarves for safekeeping while he finds the Bishop to get help.  her Mad Majesty, meanwhile, tries to poison Snow White, which didn't really work, since a couple of mages and Yours Truly were there to put a kibash on the idea.Queenie does time, Snowy ascends the throne--after which, she's set up with Prince Charming--or, in this case, Duke Karl Reichfield II, a smart and kind nobleman who wasn't a threat to her throne but helped her rule wisely.  Their grandson still rules the tiny kingdom, which is nestled between France and Germany.

But of course, we confiscated all her evil magical items, and we came across the mirror.  Since I, as a dragon, am naturally used to having my ego stroked, I was put in charge of it, and we got to talking.  Turns out, Shiny wasn't such a bad sort; he was originally created to share information and truths.  He has the ability to see into any mirror (which, incidentally, is how Her Majesty found Snow White, while the maiden was primping after cleaning house).  However, he was made with neutral purpose; it wasn't really his fault that the queen was the fairest in the land (within  a limited definition of land) nor that Snow White would blossom into womanhood so sweetly and well, fair.

Still, the Queen fed his ego almost as much as he fed hers.  He got used to her attentions, the guilt cleanings, etc.  You don't really want to know the details.  Fact of the matter was, he saw what was happening to her, but turned a blind eye, so to speak.

The monks were all for breaking his spell along with the glass, but I saw potential.  I dunno; maybe St. George rubbed off on me.  Anyway, I argued for clemency, and having wisdom of the ages and all that, made my case.  Shiny was locked away in the Vatican vaults until someone could decide on a useful way to redeem himself.  I consulted with him once in a while, and then the Gap opened, and my Mundane friend Natura introduced me to self-esteem therapy."

Now Shiny hangs in a small room in the local charity clinic, where his job is to help others see the good in themselves.  His frame has tarnished, but with each goodness he does, it regains a little luster.  You'd think this would be an easy, satisfying job.  He begs to differ.  Apparently, some people don't' want to believe in their own beauty--even when a magic mirror points it out.

An interview with Vern concerning food

First appeared in Jaleta Clegg's blog, Far Edge of Normal (http://jaletaclegg.blogspot.com/

Hi, Vern. I hear you are quite the private investigator. What case was your favorite? (plug his books here if you want)

My favorite?  How about the ones where I’m not hurt, embarrassed, or lose something valuable—and I get well paid in the end?  *sigh* Those, unfortunately, don’t make interesting reading.

Karina chose to write one of the most embarrassing, annoying cases for her first DragonEye, PI novel. We were “volunteered” to babysit a bunch of Faerie at a Mensa convention.  Okay, it was a convention; we didn’t expect the all the Magicals to behave, but to declare war on Florida?  Magic, Mensa, and Mayhem won the 2010 INDIE award for best fantasy, so apparently, you Mundanes enjoy reading about me being annoyed. 

Thus encouraged, Karina has novelized the case where we take on a Norse goddess who wants to destroy the world—your world—in hopes it will get her husband out of Helheim.  (It’s a Norse thing.)  I actually had a lot of fun on this case, which almost made up for iron poisoning, nearly being eaten by a giant board game, and getting shrunk to the size of a Great Dane.  Live and Let Fly comes out in April from MuseItUp.

Does being large, red, scaly, and a dragon help or do you find people are prejudiced against dragons?

I am a superior species, top of the food chain.  I command respect from all sentients (intellectually challenged knights notwithstanding).  Of course, that was in Faerie.  Here, in the Mundane, I spent the first few years just trying to convince people that I had not eaten their cats, did not need rabies shots, and, yes, I was better “housetrained” than aforementioned intellectually challenged knights.  Things are better now, but I’d just like to mention that the government still refuses to consider dragons as “persons,” and I still cannot get a green card. 

Coyote the Trickster God has a green card, and I cannot get one.  Where is the justice in that?

I've heard rumors that dragons eat virgins. Is that still true or are you enlightened now?

The only enlightentment needed is for the humans.  Let’s do the math:  two-ton omnivore…  125-pound adrenalin-filled waif dripping tears and snot? Or 1200-pound dairy cow, milk included? Honestly, virgin meals are kind of like French Haute Cuisine—looks good, not exactly filling.  Plus, dealing with the heroes was a pain.  Give me a nice juicy bovine instead.

I was just starting to get the humans in my territory trained up to this fact when St. George decided to use me in God’s ineffable plans.  One thing I will say about the Mundane world:  when you get a take-out order wrong, you usually apologize and offer a discount on the next meal.

What about Hostess products? At our house, we call them politically correct virgins because they're untouched by human hands.

*snort*  I like that.  Unfortunately, I’d probably get in trouble if I used that phrase.  When a dragon mentions virgins, people automatically get the wrong idea.

I don’t like chocolate, and the individual wrappings are a lot of work for what’s, to me, a tiny reward.  I’d rather pry a knight out of his armor.  However, when I was bored and truly desperate for food, I did come across an entire gross of Twinkies in the back of my lair.  (The lair is an old warehouse of some crazy packrat who upon death, donated it complete with contents to the local parish, who sold it to me.)  I spent two days just opening plastic wrap and eating Twinkies.  The next day and a half, I pretty much slept.  Too much sugar, even for my metabolism.

Are you into health food? What would constitute a good meal for a dragon?

After the Great Twinkie Feast, I’ve been a little more careful about what (or at least how much) Mundane food I put in my gullet.  Having said that, I thoroughly enjoy the variety of cuisine I’ve found in Los Lagos.  Natura, who owns a restaurant that does theme buffets, is always good for giving me the leftovers.  Love Indian nights!  Of course, nothing beats Rosa’s chili.  She always adds extra Bhut Jolokia pepper sauce for me.  Closest thing to breathing fire you can get. 

What the characters were doing between Magic, Mensa and Mayhem and Live and Let Fly

VERN:  We came home from Florida to discover the roof had a leak.

SISTER GRACE:  Aye, that bad, but more importantly, we spent the next several months working with the US government and the Elvish tribes over the problem with scanatine-flavored drinks.

VERN:  Could have done it in two weeks if we'd just let the elves drink some.

Grace:  Vern!

VERN:  Just saying there are times when a hyped-up brain and an accelerated time sense could come in handy.  We spent a lot of time doing work we didn't get paid for--work that could have fixed the hole in the roof.  We found all kinds of drips after that hailstorm in September…

HEATHER HASKEL (aka RHODA DAKOTA):  September!  That's when I got my first letter from Charlie.  Why did it take you so long to write, honey-bunchkins?

CHARLIE WILMOT:  My love, a big music star like you, interested in a herald from a small duchy?  It was too much to hope for.  If the duchess hadn't pushed me, I hate to think--

HEATHER:  We might never have met.  I'm going to thank her again.

VERN:  …and all my bedding got soaked.  Took forever to dry.  Some of it got ruined…

SISTER GRACE:  It was a difficult winter, but at least it kept the Despredatores at home.  Things were rather peaceful.

VERN:  Which is bad for business.  We didn't get the loan for the roof.

HEATHER:  Stan, what about you?

RAKNESS, STAN RAKNESS:  Sorry.  Classified.

SISTER GRACE:  The parish came and helped us fix it.  It was a wonderful Christmas present.

VERN:  Yeah--out in 30-degree weather, breathing fire on the roof like some kind of draconian welding torch.  Did I mention that I'm a warm-climate dragon?  Bad enough we had to deal with the snow--

CHARLIE:  And you wrote that song for me at Christmas--and it made #1.  I was in heaven for a week because you'd said you loved me.

HEATHER: (giggle) It was the only way I could; my parents were so worried about us, even if we hadn't met yet.  But that Valentine's Day--

CHARLIE:  Best day of my life.

SISTER GRACE:  And the Christian Brothers bought that lot in Territory.  It'll be good to have a Catholic school there.  Especially with that Real Humans gang in town now.  (Sigh)  They're going to be trouble, 'tis a fact.

RAKNESS, STAN RAKNESS:  In fact, I can neither confirm nor deny I was in the country…

VERN:  Come March, that windstorm blew off the repairs and I had to go flying after it.

HEATHER:  That's when I signed the contract for Live and Let Fly.  I was so excited, but the best part was being in Los Lagos, nearer my Charlie.  Then that paparazzi caught us kissing and we went public with our courtship!

CHARLIE:  One moment of indiscretion.  I don't regret it at all.

SISTER GRACE:  I think Gloria was asking about what cases we handled over the past couple of years.

RAKNESS, STAN RAKNESS:  Sorry.  If I told you, I'd have to kill you.  National security, you know.

VERN:  What did we do?  I just remember battling the drips.  Lots of drips.  

SISTER GRACE:  Yes, the roof had deteriorated.

VERN:  Yeah, the drips in the roof, too.  That was one good thing that came out of Live and Let Fly.  We got a new roof.  I love that roof.

SISTER GRACE:  Aye, me, too.

An Apologia on Extortion, An Acceptable Dragon Practice

There are some people who will read Live and Let Fly and may come to the conclusion that I’m selfish.  After all, the world was in peril, bad guys were on the loose, and I was holding out for a bonus.  A big bonus.  Well, all I can say is, those people are right—if I were human. 

But let’s face it; dragons have different standards.

Before I start, let me define apologia:  a defense of one’s opinions or actions.  It is not an apology.  I am not the least sorry for holding back information from my temporary employers while some evil overlord no doubt moved forward on her diabolical scheme.  I will, however, be glad to explain why.  Here’s the scene in question:

Mordash just leaned forward, his hand out, his eyes glinting. "I'll have our people analyze these—"

Grace started to hand him the files.

I set my large paw between them. "Not so fast. There's one very important detail we're missing," I said. I pulled out of my pocket one of the most important tools in the private investigator's repertoire.

The receipt book.

"What're you doing?" Mustache Mordash asked as I took out my small inkpot, opened the lid and dipped my writing claw into it.

"Our rescue was strictly an independent operation, remember?" I tossed Rakness a dark look but spoke reasonably enough. "So any information we might have acquired on said operation would be our own—"

"You mean to sell this information to us? I thought we were trying to protect this country; both our worlds, for that matter. What kind of patriot are you?"

I looked at him like he was a stupid mortal and didn't mention that I wasn't a citizen of the United States—or any nation, come to think of it. "Funny thing about saving the world," I mused. "It always manages to get un-saved. Kind of wrecks the job satisfaction factor. Philanthropy, though... Grace, how much did the Christian Brothers say they needed to start that school in Territory?"

Grace's eyes lit up. "Well, seven hundred fifty thousand, but the diocese and FlintCorp are contributing."

"Right. Some kind of matching funds deal." Even though I had already done the calculations in my head, I wrote them down. Dramatic effect. Very important.

Mustache blanched. "Are you out of your minds? You said yourself the forces of evil could be rising—"

"Exactly. Which is why a morally-based education for the underprivileged youth is so important. Now if we consider operating expenses for the first year..."

Mustache glowered. "And if the information you 'hypothetically acquired' is useless?"

"Then I'll be glad to negotiate a discount the next time you hand us a mission and some commercially available tech toys and abandon us at twenty thousand feet." I ripped off the top copy with a flourish and handed it to Mustache. He looked from my hand to Grace's, but she'd already returned the thumb drives to her sleeve pockets. He snatched the bill out of my claw.

"Let me make some calls," he growled. He spun his chair around, dismissing us.

#1. Dragons are immortal.  I tend to have a long-term view of things, having seen the extinction of the dinosaurs (known as The End of the Biggie Sized Meal, as far as I was concerned), and the rise and fall of empires.  Even if I hadn’t succeeded, things would have been chaos for awhile, but hey, the world recovers.  Been there, seen that.

#2  Dragons are confident.  I was on the case—me, Vern.  I defeated Quetzalcoatl when I was barely the size of a Labrador, and without any help from secret government agencies.  If I hadn’t given them the information, I still knew it, and they could have just followed me.  Might have been easier, come to think of it.

#3  Dragons are treasure seekers.  Thanks to St. George, I don’t get to enjoy treasure anymore, however.  In fact, I life in a dump of a warehouse on the bad side of Los Lagos, Colorado, with (at the time) a leaky roof and no hoard.  Since raiding museums and banks is frowned upon, I get my jollies where I can.

#4 The money went to a good cause.  The school I helped fund with BILE’s money is almost finished.  I can’t collect treasure, so I go for good deeds, nowadays.

#5  I was ticked off.  Not the best of reasons, but angry dragons are dangerous; better to get my satisfaction by extorting some extra cash from my employer than to flame his desk, don’t you agree?

Incidentally, I didn’t want to do this blog.  I’ve got my hands full training up an apprentice superhero.  So I held out until Karina offered me a half a lamb to do this.  Bribery, or simple payment for services?

Decide what you want.  I’ve got a veal lunch waiting.

Scavenger Hunt

Last contest of the Live and Let Fly Book Tour!  This one is for the big prize--two free books, and a bunch of other fun stuff.  You'll need to have read the book or check out these fun stops on the Live and Let Fly book tour!  Fill out the survey between now and may 25th!

Create your free online surveys with SurveyMonkey, the world's leading questionnaire tool.

World Gathering, Episode 19: It's a Wrap--Load up the Bus!

I sat in the front portico of the hotel and watched as Grace got everyone loaded. Like any conventioneer, the Faerie were tired but happy and a little wistful that the World Gathering had ended. I could see the bags looked heavier--probably full of plastic drek from Fantasyland. A few folks wore T-shirts; I didn't think they made them in pixie size. Theirs all bore Tinkerbell striking a most unchildish pose. I snorted. Figures.

I spied Siegfried by a pillar getting one last kiss from his Nordic lady.  Meanwhile, Cambridge Ramada was giving Brunhilde a small leather case. I heard her exclaim, "My own pedicure set!" and she enveloped him in a hug, squashing his face in her ample bosom. I don't think he minded until he started suffocating. She released him with a hasty, "Oh, sorry, ja?"

Galinda and Galendor exited the hotel and came over to see me. Galinda gave me a hug. Galendor was more stand-offish. Neither he nor Gozon was pleased that we had not only confiscated the found bull, but convinced the brownies that its proper place was with the Faerie Vatican until the House Eternal Winds started playing nice. I figure another fifteen or twenty years of negotiations, and all will be well again. That's a flash in the pan to an Elf, but it doesn't mean they have to like it.

Fine by me; I wasn't especially interested in getting hugged by an Elf, anyway. I seldom got hugged before St. George's spell; even now, I don't especially appreciate being treated like a large plushy. Not my image, if you know what I mean. I'd make an exception for a Faerie Princess--but her Consort Elf? Even I get to have standards.

"It seems we again owe you a debt of gratitude; isn't that right, Galendor?"

Did I detect an archness in her voice? She'd come a long way since she was a damsel in distress needing my rescue.

Galendor nodded. "My beloved speaks truly, for verily, were it not for you, O Great and Wise Dragon who once flew the fields of Caraparavalenciana, striking awe and fear into the hearts of its mortal inhabitants..."

By the time he'd finished the Elvish equivalent of a grudging, "Yeah. Couldn't have done it without you" and they bid me goodbye and headed to their limo, the bus was loaded.

Grace exchanged a last hug with Shirley and walked over to me. "Ready?"

I nodded to her, then tossed my head in a "good-bye" to Shirley and the other conventioneers we'd be leaving behind. I frowned thoughtfully.

"What?"

"Just wondering."

Her gaze grew suspicious. "About...?"

My frown turned into a grin worthy of any imp. "Just what other fine Mensa we're going to get into next."

I launched myself in the air and had taken my station on the roof of the bus before she could shriek.

If you like the story, the book is even better!

More antics, more mystery, new ending. Order from Amazon. 

(c) Karina Fabian.  World Gathering first appeared in serial in The Prairie Dawg