Like 007? You'll LOVE Dragon-Oh-Seven!

Cover art by Lex Valentine

Get it this month from the publisher and 10 percent of the proceeds go to help the victims of Hurricane Sandy: 

The magic is Faerie.  The technology, Mundane.  When they meet, the survival of the world rests in one dragon's…er…claws.  See Vern as you've never seen him before!  

For a dragon detective with a magic-slinging nun as a partner, saving the worlds gets routine. So, when the US government hires Vern and Sister Grace to recover stolen secrets for creating a new Interdimensional Gap-- secrets the US would like to keep, thank you—Vern sees a chance to play Dragon-Oh-Seven.

No human spy, however, ever went up against a Norse goddess determined to use those secrets to rescue her husband. Sigyn will move heaven and earth to get Loki—and use the best and worst of our world against anyone who tries to stop her.

It's super-spy spoofing at its best with exotic locations (Idaho--exotic?), maniacal middle-managers, secret agent men, teen rock stars in trouble, man-eating animatronics, evil overlords and more! 

 Introducing CIA Agent Rakness, Stan Rakness

If you love adrenalin-rushing action...

If you love dangerous romance in exotic locations...

If you love nail biting suspense...

If you love laughing so hard you draw stares...

Then you'll love Live and Let Fly!

Still not convinced?  Read the excerpt:

Charlie started to close the door behind us, his other hand gripping the handle of his dagger so tightly I could hear the leather wrap on the handle strain, as we listened to the footsteps coming our way, slow, bored. My predator's instincts rose; then I had a great idea. I shook my head at Charlie and winked, and he shuffled out of my way, leaving the door ajar. I settled myself with my back to the door, just inside the shadows and let the script play itself out:

CLUELESS MINION enters Stage Left. He pauses, hearing a noise, but does not report it. Instead, he fondles the stars on his name tag and moves toward the empty hallway, his mind on adding another. (Probably saying, "I was proactive today!")

CLUELESS pauses at door, hesitating. He stands and, back to the door, reaches for his walkie-talkie.

Suddenly, a well-muscled and gorgeously scaled tail whips out from the crack in the door and wraps itself around his neck. He only has time to grab ineffectively at the tail before he's drawn into the darkness. The door shuts behind him.

Pan shot of the empty hallway.

FADE TO BLACK

I slammed my victim on the floor and pinned him with my forelegs, then I leaned my face in nice and slow, making sure he got a good look at my fangs before he saw my eyes. "Where's the girl?" I growled low and menacingly.

"Wh-What g-g-girl?"

Charlie crouched down by Stutterboy and glanced at his name tag. "Look, Philip, we're in a bit of a hurry. We know Rhoda Dakota's being held captive somewhere nearby. Now you can be a good survivor and tell us where…or you can be dinner."

"I-I don't—"                 

"Phil A. Minion." I mused and drooled a bit for effect. I live for these moments, I really do. I licked his cheek and asked Charlie, "Can I have fries with that?"

"Why not? This is Idaho."

Or hear an excerpt:

Enjoyed that?



You can buy Live and Let Fly at http://tinyurl.com/LiveAndLetFly or Amazon.

Taking a Sabattical--from Karina

Dear Friends, You all know how much I enjoy writing Vern stories and blogging in my dragon's voice. However, lately, it's been more pressure than joy to write and to keep up this blog. I've decided that the best thing for me to do is take a break from writing I feel obligated to--including blogs--and just concentrate on writing that I want to do, when I want to do it. I am not quitting writing, just scaling back. 2013 promises to be a BIG year for my family, with one child graduating, two leaving home, Rob retiring, and our moving into our "forever home," wherever that may be. I also want to explore self-publishing (the first of which will be DragonEye novellas). Right now, however, a weekly blog is just pressure instead of fun, so I know I need a break. Please check Vern's and my Facebook pages for information. Otherwise, on behalf of Vern, Sister Grace and myself, God bless you and keep you laughing. Karina

A DragonEye view on Lust and Greed

Let me start with the basics of Faerie dragons:  We're immortal.  We're androgynous.  We don't reproduce.  We were created at the beginning of time from God's greatest imaginings and have been around ever since.  So we have no use for lust.

Greed, however, is a different matter.

Of the seven deadly sins, dragons are most prone to greed, wrath, and pride.  (Although, to be fair, what you humans call "pride" is really just a natural acknowledgement that we are the superior species on Earth--but that's another post.)

What's the deal with dragons and greed?  We're natural hoarders, like I mentioned in my Apologia on Dragon Greed. At any rate, I'm not here to psychoanalyze my species.  I want to compare lust and greed.

I've had the unique position of being in human form, with all its accompanying, irritating hormonal consequences, once "helped along" by a curse I still owe a demon a roasting over.  So, I've felt lust, and I've got to tell you, it's not all that different from greed.  For one, it's a basic emotional desire--object or person, it's still that kind of feeling.  At its heart, it's about possession: permanently or until you lose interest, the goal is to own that object or person in some way.  It's the same for lusting for power: you want to make it yours.

Of course, there's a certain biological mechanism involved.  If humans weren't attracted to each other, there wouldn't be much "fruitful and multiplying" going on.  Since dragons don't procreate, we don't have that mechanism, and thus don't lust.  However, as hoarders, we do have the mechanism for collecting, which makes us susceptible to greed.  Every species has its weak point.  The problem, as I see it, is when you let that biological drive get the better of the spirit God gave you, i.e., your conscience.

Of course, that also means the remedy is the same for both--a clear conscience guided by perspective and prayer and some proper education in moral values.  Works for greed as well as lust.

Unless, of course, you're a dragon cursed into human form and influenced by enchanted perfume, but that's a story I don't plan on sharing anytime soon.

An Apologia on Dragon Greed

I got asked the other day about the dragon hoarding instinct and if it wasn't really just a sin to want to acquire stuff.  (Not that I'm getting to do that much in my current situation, mind you, especially since SOME PEOPLE have yet to purchase my latest adventure, Live and Let Fly.  What's wrong with you? Why are you denying yourself hours of entertainment and me any my writer our piddly royalties?)

C'mon.  You know you want it.

What was I talking about again? Oh, yeah.  Greed.

Here's the short of it:  Dragons have a hoarding instinct.  We are built to want stuff--and not necessarily gold and jewels.  That, ironically enough, is a stereotype placed on us by humans.  I have a friend, Hrrowrssh, who had a fondness for joints.  You know--elbows, knees, hips.  He's got a collection stretching to the Paleolithic.  He actually had the dwarves carve out a mountain so he could display them.  I once spent fifteen years with him, just going through the collection.  My favorites were the ones of things he'd eaten himself.  My own tastes change.  I like relics--or things I suspect will make great relics someday.  I'm quite a connoisseur at it, actually.  I know a lot of you probably think any old piece of junk becomes a relic if it's old enough, but real relics have history, meaning, and significance.  Your singing fish plaque ain't gonna cut it, no matter how many thousands of years it survives.

Now you can blow off our desire to acquire as simple sin, but it has its uses.  For one, where are you going to find a better collection of joints in both universes.  (And you can laugh, but the paleontologist of your era have been drooling over my friend's odd habit.)  I have object (now priceless) that would have been erased from history by now, some for civilizations long forgotten.

"Well, what good is that, if you're the only one who has them?" you ask.  Three words:  Lance of Longinus--and if you don't get the significance, you will once Karina publishes "Greater Treasures."  next month, maybe.  Suffice to say, some relics should not be left to other species.  Dragons know how to hoard, protect...and leave well enough alone.  I'll tell you more about the lance some other time.

For that matter, it's a misconception that dragons greedily hang onto their wealth.  We have been known to display certain selections--if the visiting party can keep their paws off it.   Think of all the trouble tourists have caused with flash photography, greasy fingerprints, and "no one will miss this pretty rock."  We will also redistribute on occasion.  I sold an artifact I'd kept for 8000 years to a museum because it completed its collection.

Dragons have rules, just like humans have rules for gaining wealth.  We don't raze villages in order to get a sparkly.  However, if that village has come after one of us with the proverbial pitchforks and torches and we raze the village in self-defense, why not grab the sparkly?  Hrrowrssh never went around biting the elbows off interesting creatures, but if he certainly took them off his prey.  We are always glad to accept gifts, trade, grant favors for items, etc.--dragon commerce.  And yes, we have a stash of gold and jewels--but usually that's in case we see something we just have to have.

Dragons are not Inherently Evil

Once again, Karina has gotten into a discussion about dragons and how she should not write the adventures of one because they are creatures of evil.

This, of course, hearkens back to Revelations, to whit:
Then another sign appeared in heaven: an enormous red dragon with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on its heads.Revelation 12:3

 So, naturally, I'd like to draw your attention to Exhibit A:

Count the heads, please.  Thank you.

But say, you don't buy that.  After all a dragon is a dragon, no matter how many heads, right?  And if the bible says the dragon is  the symbol of evil, then all dragons are evil.

Well, let's talk serpents, shall we?  It wasn't a dragon that tempted Eve, but a serpent, right?  And when the Israelites complained against God, what invaded their camp?  Serpents.  But I see serpents all over this earth.  You keep them as pets--even good Christians do.  But some are "good snakes," you say?

So some snakes are good, but all dragons are bad?  Speciest, if you ask me.

Oh, but let's look a little further.  When the Israelites were being attacked by the serpents, what did Moses do?  Drive them out?  No--he took it to God:

and Yahweh replied, 'Make a fiery serpent and raise it as a standard. Anyone who is bitten and looks at it will survive.' Moses then made a serpent out of bronze and raised it as a standard, and anyone who was bitten by a serpent and looked at the bronze serpent survived. Numbers 21: 8-9

So, God used the serpent for His will. 

Hmmm.. that sounds familiar.

What I did in school

One of the kids from Church asked me to go to show-and-tell this week. 

The teacher had a fire extinguisher handy.  Seriously?  I may be from the Middle East, but I have more self-control than that.  Anyway, the kids were sufficiently impressed and I used my charm on Mrs. Willoughby, so it turned out all right.  The kids asked the usual second grade level of questions--no Mensans there*--and then I invited them to pet me.

That's why I bother with these things, you know.  Who needs a masseuse when you can have 30 little kids give you a good scale rub?  and the little hands are perfect for scratching behind my cheek crests.  No, I do not thump my leg like a dog.  I can, however, be coaxed into a purr. It always ends too soon, but I go home happy and relaxed.

Stan calls me a sensualist.  I just tell him it's a dragon thing.  He wouldn't understand.

*In Magic, Mensa and Mayhem, Vern does show-and tell for the kids of Mensans.  That's where he learned his tail spikes are called thagomizer.

Dragon Dreams

Karina recently lent me a book by Larry Correia called Monster Hunter International: Legion.  Great book, very diverting, and made me glad I didn't have the problems these guys have had.  If you like lots of action with heavy-duty baddies and heavy artillery, go check it out.

I just want to talk about the dragon.  (SPOILER ALERT)

"Management" lives in a cave deep under a ritzy hotel where he is surrounded by gold jewels, fancy cars piled high--and I do mean piled; it's not like he was going to drive them--precious works of art, expensive wines...  You name it, he had it, or sold it off when he got bored.  He also had super high-tech stuff and owned major stock in companies.  (Loved the comments, "Yes, but they are using techonolgy that I own 40 percent of..." etc.  Knowledge wasn't even at his clawtips--he had bluetooth and voice commands for that.  Oh, this dragon was equipped.

I know what I want to be when I outlive the St. George's geas!

I so want to be Management, but even better for me, there's no such thing as PUFF (government bounty for monsters in Correia's books), so I can come and go as I please.

I'll be dreaming sweet dragon dreams tonight!

Check out Larry Correia's book: http://www.amazon.com/Monster-Hunter-Legion-Limited-Edition/dp/1451637977

Don't Call Me "Momma!"

Spoiler Alert:  If you've not read "Coyote Fires," then go check it out now.  http://coyotefires.karinafabian.com.  The fundraiser is over, so just enjoy the story before Karina takes it down.

Read it?  Good.  Then let me make this clear.  I hatched that phoenix egg by breathing fire on it.  That's it.  I'm as much a mother as an incubator is.  And labor jokes aside, it was hard and I was tired.  So don't go calling me "Momma."

Incidentally, we made $234, not counting the money made from book sales, which MuseItUp needs to get back with us on.  Thanks to all who donated:

Margaret Realy

Christina Weigand

Tim Ward

Amanda Borenstadt

Jeff Bickley

C.F. Vici

Charlotte Babb

Janet Parfitt

Matthew E H Green

Christel Sparks

Lisa Mladinich

Teresa Schnellmann

Beth Barany

Dindy Robinson

Lea Schizas

Chris Speakman

Penny Lockwood Ehrenkranz

Jolynn Oshea-Walker

Arthur Powers

Ellen Gable Hrkach

Michele Graf

My Life Isn't All Laughs, You Know

Last week, Karina presented a bit of a tale I'm telling her to her crit group.  They loved it--why wouldn't they?--but everyone wondered when the jokes and pratfalls were going to start.  They thought it seemed kind of dark.

That's because it is.

Is your life always funny?  Trust me, mine hasn't been, and in the legendary definition of adventure, I've had a lot of danger and discomfort.  However, like to many dangerous and uncomfortable situations, they've also been interesting, so I choose to tell them.  Why Karina tends to make these shorter stories and write the funny ones as novellas, I don't know.

Here's the piece she submitted.  She's finishing the story this week.

Dante assigned Judas his own special place in Hell for betraying his Savior.  I was wondering what horrible sin I’d committed to deserve my own unique inferno.

I slunk my way along the streets of the Faerie side of Los Lagos, trying to ignore how the glare of neon signs and pixie flash did nothing to dispel the gloom.  A temperature inversion had trapped the noxious fumes of Mundane technology, shrouding the autumn afternoon in a dismal, dirty gray fog.  People had been warned to stay indoors.  The Mundanes, insular by nature, anyway, were only too glad to hole up with their televisions and Xboxes, but the Faerie were still too new to this dimension to give up their social ways.  The many races that made their homes in this “brave new world” wouldn’t let a little smog get in the way of their gossip and shopping.

With my treasure left behind in the mountains of Caraparavalenciana, I didn’t have the means for shopping—even if dragons did shop—and I was hoping to avoid any gossip about why the resident undersized drake was prowling the streets.  Unfortunately, the higher you got, the thicker the air; my nose balked at the idea of flying.  I kept to the back alleys until I got to my destination, then flapped my way to the second story of a ramshackle hotel that dared to call itself The Ritz.  It was putting someone on, that’s for sure.

I didn’t care about the digs.  I’d come to visit another Judas in his hell.

Me and the Magic Mirror

Karina's writing up a case where I got some assist from the Magic Mirror, and she asked me to tell you a little about his backstory.

I think you probably are familiar with it from Snow White.  Stepmother 's magic mirror feeds her vanity until she gets into a jealous rage because Snowy's fairer than she.  She orders the huntsman to take the girl into the woods and kill her, but he sends her running, and she meets seven dwarves...yadda yadda.

The Faerie version is this:  Said huntsman takes her to the dwarves for safekeeping while he finds the Bishop to get help.  her Mad Majesty, meanwhile, tries to poison Snow White, which didn't really work, since a couple of mages and Yours Truly were there to put a kibash on the idea.Queenie does time, Snowy ascends the throne--after which, she's set up with Prince Charming--or, in this case, Duke Karl Reichfield II, a smart and kind nobleman who wasn't a threat to her throne but helped her rule wisely.  Their grandson still rules the tiny kingdom, which is nestled between France and Germany.

But of course, we confiscated all her evil magical items, and we came across the mirror.  Since I, as a dragon, am naturally used to having my ego stroked, I was put in charge of it, and we got to talking.  Turns out, Shiny wasn't such a bad sort; he was originally created to share information and truths.  He has the ability to see into any mirror (which, incidentally, is how Her Majesty found Snow White, while the maiden was primping after cleaning house).  However, he was made with neutral purpose; it wasn't really his fault that the queen was the fairest in the land (within  a limited definition of land) nor that Snow White would blossom into womanhood so sweetly and well, fair.

Still, the Queen fed his ego almost as much as he fed hers.  He got used to her attentions, the guilt cleanings, etc.  You don't really want to know the details.  Fact of the matter was, he saw what was happening to her, but turned a blind eye, so to speak.

The monks were all for breaking his spell along with the glass, but I saw potential.  I dunno; maybe St. George rubbed off on me.  Anyway, I argued for clemency, and having wisdom of the ages and all that, made my case.  Shiny was locked away in the Vatican vaults until someone could decide on a useful way to redeem himself.  I consulted with him once in a while, and then the Gap opened, and my Mundane friend Natura introduced me to self-esteem therapy."

Now Shiny hangs in a small room in the local charity clinic, where his job is to help others see the good in themselves.  His frame has tarnished, but with each goodness he does, it regains a little luster.  You'd think this would be an easy, satisfying job.  He begs to differ.  Apparently, some people don't' want to believe in their own beauty--even when a magic mirror points it out.

Coyote Fires and Reluctant Dwarves

Came across this old interview of Garn, one of the dwarves in Magic, Mensa, and Mayhem adn thought you might enjoy it.  Incidentally, we are still holding at $103 in donations o the victims of the Colorado wildfires. You can't tell me you aren't enjoying the story, so what's the deal?  Toss them a couple of dollars with the donate button, and I'll finish telling Karina the story.  Don't forget, too, that we're donating all our profits from the e-book sales, and donations of $25 get a free copy of Magic, Mensa, and Mayhem.  http://coyotefires.karinafabian.com

1. Can you tell us your name and the title of the book you live in?

(Muttering to himself: I can't believe Kent talked me into this...) I'm Garn, and I'm a dwarf and one of the conspirators in the DragonEye, PI, novel, Magic, Mensa and Mayhem.

2. Describe to our readers what your role in the book is.

I think I'll pass actually. Vern has told me about your Mundane concept of "spoilers" and has told me what he'll do to me if I provide any.

3. How did you convince your author to put you in this book?  For example, did you visit a dream or make yourself known some other way?

I don't really know what you mean by that. I didn't ask to be put in this book. I'd rather have not been mentioned at all, but I do have a key role in the whole case, so she couldn't have left me out, I suppose.

4. Would you tell us about one of your favorite friends from this book?

I guess that would be Kent, my traveling companion for the convention. We'd actually just met before the trip. Don’t tell him, but at first, I was kind of excited to have him for a roommate. I'd heard a lot about his performance as Graf Goldhacker in The Day the Mine Ran Dry. Dwarf Entertainer gave it three diamonds. Anyway, he turned out to be quite shale--er, Mundanes would say, "a flake"?  Thought he could dress like that Gimli character and roam the streets of BillyBeaver's Fantasyland spouting off lines get himself "discovered."

Still, got a heart of gold, he does. And he did eventually break into Mundane television. He was supposed to get a role on Atlantis until they canceled the show. Now he's got a role as the assassin in the movie Live and Let Fly.

5. Do you plan on appearing in another book or are you happy to be where you are?

I think I'm done with adventuring, intrigue and getting on Vern's bad side. I've got my Faeriemet mine here in Faerie Australia and I'm happy.

6. What would you like our readers to know about you?

Only that I'm sorry the Mundane world got involved in what should have been Faerie scheming. It was a cultural misunderstanding, really.

7. Did you learn anything during your adventure in this book?

(Growling) My ancestors were right: never trust an Elf.

8. Can you tell us what you think is the most exciting thing that happened to you in your book?

As in fear-for-my-life exciting? Probably the trip to Florida. On that abomination of a transport. Airships!  Dwarves were meant to be underground, not in the air!

9. Is there anything in your story you wish you had not done? Why?

I should have been more casual about my pickax. I realize now my possessiveness drew attention to it.

10. What was your main motivation?

What every dwarf's motivation should be: a mine to call his own.

11. Introduce us to your main adversary?

Galendor. Uppity, politicizing, better-than-Elvish High Elf. If he hadn't set those--sorry. Spoilers.

12. Is there anything you would like to have done but your author stopped you?

I don't understand the question. She wasn't there. She just wrote down the story as Vern told it.  Now what I would have liked to have done, but Vern stopped me, was take my pickax to Galendor's family jewels.

13. Here’s your chance to speak your mind.  What do you want to tell everybody?

If yer looking for the best Faeriemet in two universes, you'll find it at Garn's of the Outback. High quality, reasonable rates.

Oh, and I don't have any hard feelings toward Vern or Grace. They were just doing their jobs--and they made Gozon fulfill his part of the agreement and give me the mine he promised. Spent two days of talking him into it, too. That's actually pretty fast for a High Elf, amazingly fast considering it was Gozon.

Vern talks about Coyote

Since Coyote was responsible for the fires in "Coyote Fires," directly or indirectly, depending on your point of view, Karina wants me to tell you a little about him from my point of view:

Here's what I wrote about him in Magic, Mensa and Mayhem:  Yes, the Native American Trickster is an actual Faerie demigod and he's everything the Mundane legends claim and more. Unfortunately. Coyote changes form, just like in the legend. He can be an old grandmother or he can make Fabio look like a plain Jane. His animal form is usually a coyote, but he can be other animals. Pretty much whatever brings the most enjoyment to him and the most pain to sensible beings (especially PIs who have to bail out the world from his tricks.)  

Of course, he didn't get named "Coyote" for nothing, and even in his human form, he can't escape his animal self.  Call them attributes, instincts, or bad habits--regardless, they include things like scratching for fleas, peeing on things, and sticking his head out the window on car rides.  He does the puppy-dog-eyes schtick very well.  Don't be fooled.  He's inevitably more trouble than he's worth.

Incidentally, he has a thing for females, and isn’t too picky as long as they are of mating age.  Thanks to Sister Grace, however, he stays away from religious sisters.  (I must admit, though, I’m curious about the mange—or better yet, the pattern to his male pattern baldness should he get out of hand.  Leave it to Grace to attack him where it would hurt most—his vanity!)

He got Grace into a lot of trouble in "Coyote Fires."  In fact, he put the whole of Los Lagos County in danger--and guess what drake had to get everyone out of it?  The worst of it is, he's taking credit!  To this day, he's still bragging about how he--

oops!  Vern's heading into spoilers!  If you're interested in learning more about Coyote and finding out what happened to Los Lagos, check out http://coyotefires.karinafabian.com.  Remember--the story is free, but I am doing it as a fundraiser to help the victims of the Colorado wildfires.  If you can spare a few dollars, please donate.  We are stuck at Episode Four at the moment; I'm asking for $10 cumulative donations for each episode, so ask your friends and spread the word on FB, Twitter, and other places!

"Coyote Fires" fundraider story for Colorado fires victims

Since we now live in Los Lagos, Colorado, we've been watching the Wasatch Canyon fires with interest.  We're not anywhere near them, but it has been a pretty intense show.  A lot of people are shocked and worried.  Me, I have a longer perspective.  Lot of dead dry trees in the area have been cleared out.  The forest will regrow.  It happens.

Doesn't mean I don't care about the people who have lost their homes and property.  Believe me, having been rousted from my home by St. George and forced to leave my treasure behind, I do understand loss.  I'm lucky; I'll get all that back eventually.  These people have to start again.

We'd like to do a little to help, so I shared another story with Karina Fabian to use as a serial story fundraiser.  

Go to http://coyotefires.karinafabian.com and read the story.  If you like it (and I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t), show your appreciation by donating to the American Red Cross through the link on the sidebar.  Karina is tracking the payments and will donate them September 1^st.

In addition, MuseItUp is donating the profits from the sales of "Perfect Ten" and Live and Let Fly between now and Aug 31.  You can find the links on the Coyote Fires story or at http://museituppublishing.com.

Last time, we raised around $450 for Food for the Poor.  I'd like to see us better that.  Please check out the story and encourage your friends to do the same.  Also, get the books for your friends if not yourself.

Five Random Questions for Vern

This is from an interview with Sally Franklin Christie on her blog, http://sallyfranklinchristie.com/wp/

1.  If God appeared to you in a series of vivid and moving dreams and told you to leave everything behind, travel alone to the Red Sea and become a fisherman, what would you do?

Are you kidding?  Caraparavalenciana is right by the Red Sea.  I’d be going home!

2.  How close and warm is your family?  Do you feel your childhood was happier than most people’s?

Dragons are androgynous, created at the beginning of time and immortal, so we don’t have families like most species think of them.   My “family” is a drove of dragons.  We would meet every couple centuries or so, hunt together, dance, fight (sometimes, they’re the same thing), and gripe about the humans.  I didn’t have a childhood; or I’m still in it; or I’m merely choosing to have one.  Depends on who you talk to and how much I’m enjoying my day.

3.  Does the fact that you’ve not done something before increase or decrease its appeal to you?

Increase, definitely.  Being immortal gives you a taste for novelty…and plenty of time to learn from mistakes.

4.  Do you feel you have much impact on the lives of people you come into contact with?

I have saved both the Faerie and Mundane worlds so often, I’ve developed a pay scale for it.  (Not that Grace always lets me extort that kind of money.)  So, yeah.  Big impact. Colossal impact.  But I’m a dragon.  Did you expect anything less?

5.  If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one unique ability or quality, what would it be?

Chew gum.  I tried it once, but I had to use six entire packs and then it stuck to my teeth.  You can only imagine the time I had trying to get a dentist  to clean them.

An interview with Vern concerning food

First appeared in Jaleta Clegg's blog, Far Edge of Normal (http://jaletaclegg.blogspot.com/

Hi, Vern. I hear you are quite the private investigator. What case was your favorite? (plug his books here if you want)

My favorite?  How about the ones where I’m not hurt, embarrassed, or lose something valuable—and I get well paid in the end?  *sigh* Those, unfortunately, don’t make interesting reading.

Karina chose to write one of the most embarrassing, annoying cases for her first DragonEye, PI novel. We were “volunteered” to babysit a bunch of Faerie at a Mensa convention.  Okay, it was a convention; we didn’t expect the all the Magicals to behave, but to declare war on Florida?  Magic, Mensa, and Mayhem won the 2010 INDIE award for best fantasy, so apparently, you Mundanes enjoy reading about me being annoyed. 

Thus encouraged, Karina has novelized the case where we take on a Norse goddess who wants to destroy the world—your world—in hopes it will get her husband out of Helheim.  (It’s a Norse thing.)  I actually had a lot of fun on this case, which almost made up for iron poisoning, nearly being eaten by a giant board game, and getting shrunk to the size of a Great Dane.  Live and Let Fly comes out in April from MuseItUp.

Does being large, red, scaly, and a dragon help or do you find people are prejudiced against dragons?

I am a superior species, top of the food chain.  I command respect from all sentients (intellectually challenged knights notwithstanding).  Of course, that was in Faerie.  Here, in the Mundane, I spent the first few years just trying to convince people that I had not eaten their cats, did not need rabies shots, and, yes, I was better “housetrained” than aforementioned intellectually challenged knights.  Things are better now, but I’d just like to mention that the government still refuses to consider dragons as “persons,” and I still cannot get a green card. 

Coyote the Trickster God has a green card, and I cannot get one.  Where is the justice in that?

I've heard rumors that dragons eat virgins. Is that still true or are you enlightened now?

The only enlightentment needed is for the humans.  Let’s do the math:  two-ton omnivore…  125-pound adrenalin-filled waif dripping tears and snot? Or 1200-pound dairy cow, milk included? Honestly, virgin meals are kind of like French Haute Cuisine—looks good, not exactly filling.  Plus, dealing with the heroes was a pain.  Give me a nice juicy bovine instead.

I was just starting to get the humans in my territory trained up to this fact when St. George decided to use me in God’s ineffable plans.  One thing I will say about the Mundane world:  when you get a take-out order wrong, you usually apologize and offer a discount on the next meal.

What about Hostess products? At our house, we call them politically correct virgins because they're untouched by human hands.

*snort*  I like that.  Unfortunately, I’d probably get in trouble if I used that phrase.  When a dragon mentions virgins, people automatically get the wrong idea.

I don’t like chocolate, and the individual wrappings are a lot of work for what’s, to me, a tiny reward.  I’d rather pry a knight out of his armor.  However, when I was bored and truly desperate for food, I did come across an entire gross of Twinkies in the back of my lair.  (The lair is an old warehouse of some crazy packrat who upon death, donated it complete with contents to the local parish, who sold it to me.)  I spent two days just opening plastic wrap and eating Twinkies.  The next day and a half, I pretty much slept.  Too much sugar, even for my metabolism.

Are you into health food? What would constitute a good meal for a dragon?

After the Great Twinkie Feast, I’ve been a little more careful about what (or at least how much) Mundane food I put in my gullet.  Having said that, I thoroughly enjoy the variety of cuisine I’ve found in Los Lagos.  Natura, who owns a restaurant that does theme buffets, is always good for giving me the leftovers.  Love Indian nights!  Of course, nothing beats Rosa’s chili.  She always adds extra Bhut Jolokia pepper sauce for me.  Closest thing to breathing fire you can get.