Wednesday, June 20, 2012

An interview with Vern concerning food

First appeared in Jaleta Clegg's blog, Far Edge of Normal (

Hi, Vern. I hear you are quite the private investigator. What case was your favorite? (plug his books here if you want)

My favorite?  How about the ones where I’m not hurt, embarrassed, or lose something valuable—and I get well paid in the end?  *sigh* Those, unfortunately, don’t make interesting reading.

Karina chose to write one of the most embarrassing, annoying cases for her first DragonEye, PI novel. We were “volunteered” to babysit a bunch of Faerie at a Mensa convention.  Okay, it was a convention; we didn’t expect the all the Magicals to behave, but to declare war on Florida?  Magic, Mensa, and Mayhem won the 2010 INDIE award for best fantasy, so apparently, you Mundanes enjoy reading about me being annoyed. 

Thus encouraged, Karina has novelized the case where we take on a Norse goddess who wants to destroy the world—your world—in hopes it will get her husband out of Helheim.  (It’s a Norse thing.)  I actually had a lot of fun on this case, which almost made up for iron poisoning, nearly being eaten by a giant board game, and getting shrunk to the size of a Great Dane.  Live and Let Fly comes out in April from MuseItUp.

Does being large, red, scaly, and a dragon help or do you find people are prejudiced against dragons?

I am a superior species, top of the food chain.  I command respect from all sentients (intellectually challenged knights notwithstanding).  Of course, that was in Faerie.  Here, in the Mundane, I spent the first few years just trying to convince people that I had not eaten their cats, did not need rabies shots, and, yes, I was better “housetrained” than aforementioned intellectually challenged knights.  Things are better now, but I’d just like to mention that the government still refuses to consider dragons as “persons,” and I still cannot get a green card. 

Coyote the Trickster God has a green card, and I cannot get one.  Where is the justice in that?

I've heard rumors that dragons eat virgins. Is that still true or are you enlightened now?

The only enlightentment needed is for the humans.  Let’s do the math:  two-ton omnivore…  125-pound adrenalin-filled waif dripping tears and snot? Or 1200-pound dairy cow, milk included? Honestly, virgin meals are kind of like French Haute Cuisine—looks good, not exactly filling.  Plus, dealing with the heroes was a pain.  Give me a nice juicy bovine instead.

I was just starting to get the humans in my territory trained up to this fact when St. George decided to use me in God’s ineffable plans.  One thing I will say about the Mundane world:  when you get a take-out order wrong, you usually apologize and offer a discount on the next meal.

What about Hostess products? At our house, we call them politically correct virgins because they're untouched by human hands.
*snort*  I like that.  Unfortunately, I’d probably get in trouble if I used that phrase.  When a dragon mentions virgins, people automatically get the wrong idea.

I don’t like chocolate, and the individual wrappings are a lot of work for what’s, to me, a tiny reward.  I’d rather pry a knight out of his armor.  However, when I was bored and truly desperate for food, I did come across an entire gross of Twinkies in the back of my lair.  (The lair is an old warehouse of some crazy packrat who upon death, donated it complete with contents to the local parish, who sold it to me.)  I spent two days just opening plastic wrap and eating Twinkies.  The next day and a half, I pretty much slept.  Too much sugar, even for my metabolism.

Are you into health food? What would constitute a good meal for a dragon?

After the Great Twinkie Feast, I’ve been a little more careful about what (or at least how much) Mundane food I put in my gullet.  Having said that, I thoroughly enjoy the variety of cuisine I’ve found in Los Lagos.  Natura, who owns a restaurant that does theme buffets, is always good for giving me the leftovers.  Love Indian nights!  Of course, nothing beats Rosa’s chili.  She always adds extra Bhut Jolokia pepper sauce for me.  Closest thing to breathing fire you can get. 

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