My Life Isn't All Laughs, You Know

Last week, Karina presented a bit of a tale I'm telling her to her crit group.  They loved it--why wouldn't they?--but everyone wondered when the jokes and pratfalls were going to start.  They thought it seemed kind of dark.

That's because it is.

Is your life always funny?  Trust me, mine hasn't been, and in the legendary definition of adventure, I've had a lot of danger and discomfort.  However, like to many dangerous and uncomfortable situations, they've also been interesting, so I choose to tell them.  Why Karina tends to make these shorter stories and write the funny ones as novellas, I don't know.

Here's the piece she submitted.  She's finishing the story this week.

Dante assigned Judas his own special place in Hell for betraying his Savior.  I was wondering what horrible sin I’d committed to deserve my own unique inferno.

I slunk my way along the streets of the Faerie side of Los Lagos, trying to ignore how the glare of neon signs and pixie flash did nothing to dispel the gloom.  A temperature inversion had trapped the noxious fumes of Mundane technology, shrouding the autumn afternoon in a dismal, dirty gray fog.  People had been warned to stay indoors.  The Mundanes, insular by nature, anyway, were only too glad to hole up with their televisions and Xboxes, but the Faerie were still too new to this dimension to give up their social ways.  The many races that made their homes in this “brave new world” wouldn’t let a little smog get in the way of their gossip and shopping.

With my treasure left behind in the mountains of Caraparavalenciana, I didn’t have the means for shopping—even if dragons did shop—and I was hoping to avoid any gossip about why the resident undersized drake was prowling the streets.  Unfortunately, the higher you got, the thicker the air; my nose balked at the idea of flying.  I kept to the back alleys until I got to my destination, then flapped my way to the second story of a ramshackle hotel that dared to call itself The Ritz.  It was putting someone on, that’s for sure.

I didn’t care about the digs.  I’d come to visit another Judas in his hell.

Me and the Magic Mirror

Karina's writing up a case where I got some assist from the Magic Mirror, and she asked me to tell you a little about his backstory.

I think you probably are familiar with it from Snow White.  Stepmother 's magic mirror feeds her vanity until she gets into a jealous rage because Snowy's fairer than she.  She orders the huntsman to take the girl into the woods and kill her, but he sends her running, and she meets seven dwarves...yadda yadda.

The Faerie version is this:  Said huntsman takes her to the dwarves for safekeeping while he finds the Bishop to get help.  her Mad Majesty, meanwhile, tries to poison Snow White, which didn't really work, since a couple of mages and Yours Truly were there to put a kibash on the idea.Queenie does time, Snowy ascends the throne--after which, she's set up with Prince Charming--or, in this case, Duke Karl Reichfield II, a smart and kind nobleman who wasn't a threat to her throne but helped her rule wisely.  Their grandson still rules the tiny kingdom, which is nestled between France and Germany.

But of course, we confiscated all her evil magical items, and we came across the mirror.  Since I, as a dragon, am naturally used to having my ego stroked, I was put in charge of it, and we got to talking.  Turns out, Shiny wasn't such a bad sort; he was originally created to share information and truths.  He has the ability to see into any mirror (which, incidentally, is how Her Majesty found Snow White, while the maiden was primping after cleaning house).  However, he was made with neutral purpose; it wasn't really his fault that the queen was the fairest in the land (within  a limited definition of land) nor that Snow White would blossom into womanhood so sweetly and well, fair.

Still, the Queen fed his ego almost as much as he fed hers.  He got used to her attentions, the guilt cleanings, etc.  You don't really want to know the details.  Fact of the matter was, he saw what was happening to her, but turned a blind eye, so to speak.

The monks were all for breaking his spell along with the glass, but I saw potential.  I dunno; maybe St. George rubbed off on me.  Anyway, I argued for clemency, and having wisdom of the ages and all that, made my case.  Shiny was locked away in the Vatican vaults until someone could decide on a useful way to redeem himself.  I consulted with him once in a while, and then the Gap opened, and my Mundane friend Natura introduced me to self-esteem therapy."

Now Shiny hangs in a small room in the local charity clinic, where his job is to help others see the good in themselves.  His frame has tarnished, but with each goodness he does, it regains a little luster.  You'd think this would be an easy, satisfying job.  He begs to differ.  Apparently, some people don't' want to believe in their own beauty--even when a magic mirror points it out.

Coyote Fires and Reluctant Dwarves

Came across this old interview of Garn, one of the dwarves in Magic, Mensa, and Mayhem adn thought you might enjoy it.  Incidentally, we are still holding at $103 in donations o the victims of the Colorado wildfires. You can't tell me you aren't enjoying the story, so what's the deal?  Toss them a couple of dollars with the donate button, and I'll finish telling Karina the story.  Don't forget, too, that we're donating all our profits from the e-book sales, and donations of $25 get a free copy of Magic, Mensa, and Mayhem.  http://coyotefires.karinafabian.com

1. Can you tell us your name and the title of the book you live in?

(Muttering to himself: I can't believe Kent talked me into this...) I'm Garn, and I'm a dwarf and one of the conspirators in the DragonEye, PI, novel, Magic, Mensa and Mayhem.

2. Describe to our readers what your role in the book is.

I think I'll pass actually. Vern has told me about your Mundane concept of "spoilers" and has told me what he'll do to me if I provide any.

3. How did you convince your author to put you in this book?  For example, did you visit a dream or make yourself known some other way?

I don't really know what you mean by that. I didn't ask to be put in this book. I'd rather have not been mentioned at all, but I do have a key role in the whole case, so she couldn't have left me out, I suppose.

4. Would you tell us about one of your favorite friends from this book?

I guess that would be Kent, my traveling companion for the convention. We'd actually just met before the trip. Don’t tell him, but at first, I was kind of excited to have him for a roommate. I'd heard a lot about his performance as Graf Goldhacker in The Day the Mine Ran Dry. Dwarf Entertainer gave it three diamonds. Anyway, he turned out to be quite shale--er, Mundanes would say, "a flake"?  Thought he could dress like that Gimli character and roam the streets of BillyBeaver's Fantasyland spouting off lines get himself "discovered."

Still, got a heart of gold, he does. And he did eventually break into Mundane television. He was supposed to get a role on Atlantis until they canceled the show. Now he's got a role as the assassin in the movie Live and Let Fly.

5. Do you plan on appearing in another book or are you happy to be where you are?

I think I'm done with adventuring, intrigue and getting on Vern's bad side. I've got my Faeriemet mine here in Faerie Australia and I'm happy.

6. What would you like our readers to know about you?

Only that I'm sorry the Mundane world got involved in what should have been Faerie scheming. It was a cultural misunderstanding, really.

7. Did you learn anything during your adventure in this book?

(Growling) My ancestors were right: never trust an Elf.

8. Can you tell us what you think is the most exciting thing that happened to you in your book?

As in fear-for-my-life exciting? Probably the trip to Florida. On that abomination of a transport. Airships!  Dwarves were meant to be underground, not in the air!

9. Is there anything in your story you wish you had not done? Why?

I should have been more casual about my pickax. I realize now my possessiveness drew attention to it.

10. What was your main motivation?

What every dwarf's motivation should be: a mine to call his own.

11. Introduce us to your main adversary?

Galendor. Uppity, politicizing, better-than-Elvish High Elf. If he hadn't set those--sorry. Spoilers.

12. Is there anything you would like to have done but your author stopped you?

I don't understand the question. She wasn't there. She just wrote down the story as Vern told it.  Now what I would have liked to have done, but Vern stopped me, was take my pickax to Galendor's family jewels.

13. Here’s your chance to speak your mind.  What do you want to tell everybody?

If yer looking for the best Faeriemet in two universes, you'll find it at Garn's of the Outback. High quality, reasonable rates.

Oh, and I don't have any hard feelings toward Vern or Grace. They were just doing their jobs--and they made Gozon fulfill his part of the agreement and give me the mine he promised. Spent two days of talking him into it, too. That's actually pretty fast for a High Elf, amazingly fast considering it was Gozon.

Vern talks about Coyote

Since Coyote was responsible for the fires in "Coyote Fires," directly or indirectly, depending on your point of view, Karina wants me to tell you a little about him from my point of view:

Here's what I wrote about him in Magic, Mensa and Mayhem:  Yes, the Native American Trickster is an actual Faerie demigod and he's everything the Mundane legends claim and more. Unfortunately. Coyote changes form, just like in the legend. He can be an old grandmother or he can make Fabio look like a plain Jane. His animal form is usually a coyote, but he can be other animals. Pretty much whatever brings the most enjoyment to him and the most pain to sensible beings (especially PIs who have to bail out the world from his tricks.)  

Of course, he didn't get named "Coyote" for nothing, and even in his human form, he can't escape his animal self.  Call them attributes, instincts, or bad habits--regardless, they include things like scratching for fleas, peeing on things, and sticking his head out the window on car rides.  He does the puppy-dog-eyes schtick very well.  Don't be fooled.  He's inevitably more trouble than he's worth.

Incidentally, he has a thing for females, and isn’t too picky as long as they are of mating age.  Thanks to Sister Grace, however, he stays away from religious sisters.  (I must admit, though, I’m curious about the mange—or better yet, the pattern to his male pattern baldness should he get out of hand.  Leave it to Grace to attack him where it would hurt most—his vanity!)

He got Grace into a lot of trouble in "Coyote Fires."  In fact, he put the whole of Los Lagos County in danger--and guess what drake had to get everyone out of it?  The worst of it is, he's taking credit!  To this day, he's still bragging about how he--

oops!  Vern's heading into spoilers!  If you're interested in learning more about Coyote and finding out what happened to Los Lagos, check out http://coyotefires.karinafabian.com.  Remember--the story is free, but I am doing it as a fundraiser to help the victims of the Colorado wildfires.  If you can spare a few dollars, please donate.  We are stuck at Episode Four at the moment; I'm asking for $10 cumulative donations for each episode, so ask your friends and spread the word on FB, Twitter, and other places!

"Coyote Fires" fundraider story for Colorado fires victims

Since we now live in Los Lagos, Colorado, we've been watching the Wasatch Canyon fires with interest.  We're not anywhere near them, but it has been a pretty intense show.  A lot of people are shocked and worried.  Me, I have a longer perspective.  Lot of dead dry trees in the area have been cleared out.  The forest will regrow.  It happens.

Doesn't mean I don't care about the people who have lost their homes and property.  Believe me, having been rousted from my home by St. George and forced to leave my treasure behind, I do understand loss.  I'm lucky; I'll get all that back eventually.  These people have to start again.

We'd like to do a little to help, so I shared another story with Karina Fabian to use as a serial story fundraiser.  

Go to http://coyotefires.karinafabian.com and read the story.  If you like it (and I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t), show your appreciation by donating to the American Red Cross through the link on the sidebar.  Karina is tracking the payments and will donate them September 1^st.

In addition, MuseItUp is donating the profits from the sales of "Perfect Ten" and Live and Let Fly between now and Aug 31.  You can find the links on the Coyote Fires story or at http://museituppublishing.com.

Last time, we raised around $450 for Food for the Poor.  I'd like to see us better that.  Please check out the story and encourage your friends to do the same.  Also, get the books for your friends if not yourself.

Five Random Questions for Vern

This is from an interview with Sally Franklin Christie on her blog, http://sallyfranklinchristie.com/wp/

1.  If God appeared to you in a series of vivid and moving dreams and told you to leave everything behind, travel alone to the Red Sea and become a fisherman, what would you do?

Are you kidding?  Caraparavalenciana is right by the Red Sea.  I’d be going home!

2.  How close and warm is your family?  Do you feel your childhood was happier than most people’s?

Dragons are androgynous, created at the beginning of time and immortal, so we don’t have families like most species think of them.   My “family” is a drove of dragons.  We would meet every couple centuries or so, hunt together, dance, fight (sometimes, they’re the same thing), and gripe about the humans.  I didn’t have a childhood; or I’m still in it; or I’m merely choosing to have one.  Depends on who you talk to and how much I’m enjoying my day.

3.  Does the fact that you’ve not done something before increase or decrease its appeal to you?

Increase, definitely.  Being immortal gives you a taste for novelty…and plenty of time to learn from mistakes.

4.  Do you feel you have much impact on the lives of people you come into contact with?

I have saved both the Faerie and Mundane worlds so often, I’ve developed a pay scale for it.  (Not that Grace always lets me extort that kind of money.)  So, yeah.  Big impact. Colossal impact.  But I’m a dragon.  Did you expect anything less?

5.  If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one unique ability or quality, what would it be?

Chew gum.  I tried it once, but I had to use six entire packs and then it stuck to my teeth.  You can only imagine the time I had trying to get a dentist  to clean them.

An interview with Vern concerning food

First appeared in Jaleta Clegg's blog, Far Edge of Normal (http://jaletaclegg.blogspot.com/

Hi, Vern. I hear you are quite the private investigator. What case was your favorite? (plug his books here if you want)

My favorite?  How about the ones where I’m not hurt, embarrassed, or lose something valuable—and I get well paid in the end?  *sigh* Those, unfortunately, don’t make interesting reading.

Karina chose to write one of the most embarrassing, annoying cases for her first DragonEye, PI novel. We were “volunteered” to babysit a bunch of Faerie at a Mensa convention.  Okay, it was a convention; we didn’t expect the all the Magicals to behave, but to declare war on Florida?  Magic, Mensa, and Mayhem won the 2010 INDIE award for best fantasy, so apparently, you Mundanes enjoy reading about me being annoyed. 

Thus encouraged, Karina has novelized the case where we take on a Norse goddess who wants to destroy the world—your world—in hopes it will get her husband out of Helheim.  (It’s a Norse thing.)  I actually had a lot of fun on this case, which almost made up for iron poisoning, nearly being eaten by a giant board game, and getting shrunk to the size of a Great Dane.  Live and Let Fly comes out in April from MuseItUp.

Does being large, red, scaly, and a dragon help or do you find people are prejudiced against dragons?

I am a superior species, top of the food chain.  I command respect from all sentients (intellectually challenged knights notwithstanding).  Of course, that was in Faerie.  Here, in the Mundane, I spent the first few years just trying to convince people that I had not eaten their cats, did not need rabies shots, and, yes, I was better “housetrained” than aforementioned intellectually challenged knights.  Things are better now, but I’d just like to mention that the government still refuses to consider dragons as “persons,” and I still cannot get a green card. 

Coyote the Trickster God has a green card, and I cannot get one.  Where is the justice in that?

I've heard rumors that dragons eat virgins. Is that still true or are you enlightened now?

The only enlightentment needed is for the humans.  Let’s do the math:  two-ton omnivore…  125-pound adrenalin-filled waif dripping tears and snot? Or 1200-pound dairy cow, milk included? Honestly, virgin meals are kind of like French Haute Cuisine—looks good, not exactly filling.  Plus, dealing with the heroes was a pain.  Give me a nice juicy bovine instead.

I was just starting to get the humans in my territory trained up to this fact when St. George decided to use me in God’s ineffable plans.  One thing I will say about the Mundane world:  when you get a take-out order wrong, you usually apologize and offer a discount on the next meal.

What about Hostess products? At our house, we call them politically correct virgins because they're untouched by human hands.

*snort*  I like that.  Unfortunately, I’d probably get in trouble if I used that phrase.  When a dragon mentions virgins, people automatically get the wrong idea.

I don’t like chocolate, and the individual wrappings are a lot of work for what’s, to me, a tiny reward.  I’d rather pry a knight out of his armor.  However, when I was bored and truly desperate for food, I did come across an entire gross of Twinkies in the back of my lair.  (The lair is an old warehouse of some crazy packrat who upon death, donated it complete with contents to the local parish, who sold it to me.)  I spent two days just opening plastic wrap and eating Twinkies.  The next day and a half, I pretty much slept.  Too much sugar, even for my metabolism.

Are you into health food? What would constitute a good meal for a dragon?

After the Great Twinkie Feast, I’ve been a little more careful about what (or at least how much) Mundane food I put in my gullet.  Having said that, I thoroughly enjoy the variety of cuisine I’ve found in Los Lagos.  Natura, who owns a restaurant that does theme buffets, is always good for giving me the leftovers.  Love Indian nights!  Of course, nothing beats Rosa’s chili.  She always adds extra Bhut Jolokia pepper sauce for me.  Closest thing to breathing fire you can get.